Nicole Cardoza Nicole Cardoza Nicole Cardoza Nicole Cardoza

Study Hall! Emoji blackface, the "family card," and starting conversations.

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Welcome to our weekly Study Hall where we answer questions and reflections from the previous week. Much of this week's actions were focused on personal reflection and insight (we signed a LOT of petitions the week prior, so I wanted to get us back in our journals).

We always save questions for future newsletters and hope to get to them all soon! Thank you for your thoughtful inquiries this week.

As always, your support is greatly appreciated. These contributions are our only source of funding and help us plan out for the long-term. You can give one-time on our website or Venmo (@nicoleacardoza), or subscribe for $5/mo on our Patreon.

Nicole

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TAKE ACTION

1. Reflect on the questions prompted by our community.

2. Ask yourself two questions about one of the topics we discussed this week. Discuss these questions with a friend or colleague.

GET EDUCATED

By Nicole Cardoza

In review: The newsletters we published this week.
 

8/7/2020 | Don't play the friend card.

8/6/2020 | Don't do digital blackface.

8/5/2020 | Avoid spiritual bypassing.

8/4/2020 | Protect the right to vote by mail. 

8/3/2020 | Stay awake.

8/2/2020 | Protect those vulnerable to extreme heat during COVID-19.

Are emojis another form of digital blackface? I have a lighter-skinned friend who always uses darker-skinned emojis for "solidarity" but it feels off.

I say yes, and in fact, I'm working on a whole other piece on this for next week. But in short, always question what's the reason to use other skin colors. Does adopting a darker skin tone make the person feel more "sassy" or "angry?" That falls right into the same stereotypes we reviewed earlier this week. And regardless, it took until 2015 for emojis to be updated to include skin tones (Emojipedia). That was prompted by a series of requests for diversity – not for white people to adopt different skins for their thumbs up.

Some of my White relatives can be racist, but when called out on it, they say, "But my granddaughter/son-in-law/nephew, etc., is Black, so I can't be racist because they are a part of my family." How can I best communicate with my extended family about the issues in playing the 'family' card? How can I support my Black extended family members when other relatives are being racist?

The "friend card" and the "family card" work in a similar manner. We can all be racist in a racist system and society, regardless of our proximity to non-white people. I'd prompt them with the same questions mentioned in our newsletter: how do your actions affect [family member]? Does that action prevent others from harming them in the same way? What if someone you didn't know had said something like that to [family member]? 

What do we do if we missed the boat? The message seems to be, "if you've ignored this part of your friendship until now, now is not the right time to stop ignoring it." Do we bring up race in an interracial relationship if we haven't discussed it yet?

This message seemed to be written by someone that identifies as white, so I'll start from that perspective. I'd encourage anyone to start this conversation in a safe and appropriate way. Know that your non-white friend has the capacity to determine what feels right for them and may not be interested in having this conversation with you. Don't center the conversation on you and your needs. Instead, focus the conversation on their perspective. I recommend reviewing the resources in these Anti-Racism Daily newsletters – and searching for other resources from anti-racism scholars and educators – before you do.

I am one of the people in the newsletter that has all-white friends. How do I diversify my friend group?

Diversifying friend groups generally is tough as we get older and we find ourselves in the same communities for an extended period of time. And I certainly think it's exacerbated with social distancing during COVID-19. But the likelihood of finding new friends starts with our capacity to understand and empathize with other people. So I'd think of your personal anti-racism journey as a step in that direction. Keep doing the work. Then, start looking at the spaces you choose to frequent and how diverse they are. Consider shifting those activities to spaces that cater to a more diverse audience. Odds are, you'll be supporting businesses that are more committed to equity and inclusion, which is part of this practice, too. Coffee shops and yoga studios are a good place to start.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

  • Playing the friend card is referring to a friend from a marginalized community to act as justification against any racism or discrimination

  • Creating friends to practice performative wokeness is a deflection from the actual work needed

  • Interracial friendships are not nurtured in our society, and rare when analyzing the stats

  • Being in interracial relationships takes communication, trust and boundaries

RELATED ISSUES

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Thank you for all your financial contributions! If you haven't already, consider making a monthly donation to this work. These funds will help me operationalize this work for greatest impact.

Subscribe on Patreon | Give one-time on PayPal | Venmo @nicoleacardoza

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Nicole Cardoza Nicole Cardoza Nicole Cardoza Nicole Cardoza

Don't play the friend card.

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Happy Friday, everyone! Quick note of gratitude for all the thoughtful inquiries and feedback on the content from this week. I'm glad it's resonating with you, and I'm slowly working my way through your responses.

Tomorrow is our weekly Study Hall. I recap the week's content and answer questions from the community. Reply to this email to submit your questions! For today, we're taking a look at playing the friend card, and how it some wield it to bypass the harm they cause. Please don't message me about how you actually do have a Black friend.

Help us make this newsletter sustainable! Make a one-time contribution on our website or Venmo (@nicoleacardoza), or subscribe for $5/mo on our Patreon.

ps – you can also encourage your office to create a subscription for your whole team – no need to forward to everyone or post on Slack! Bring Anti-Racism Daily to Work >

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TAKE ACTION

Reflect on your own friend group:

How was it formed? 
What are the racial/ethnic identities that form your friend group?
How do you protect your friends from harm?
How do you participate in the system that cause your friends harm?

GET EDUCATED

By Nicole Cardoza

A common argument in interpersonal conversation around racism is the “Black friend”. Start a conversation about race and someone might respond with something like, “I’m not racist! I have a best friend who’s black!” The trope is so common that in her popular IG live talk show on racism, Ziwe Fumudoh always asks her guests how many Black people they know. But she already knows the answer; most say “four or five,” which must be a socially acceptable number of friends to not be a racist (NYTimes).  And it goes beyond “Black” and “friend.” Swap any racial identity (or marginalized community) and relationship in: “dated an Asian guy,” “transgender colleague,” etc. Don’t get me wrong; a statement could hold contextual relevance in some cases. But it’s often used as a way to shield oneself from blame or deflect responsibility from acknowledging harm. 

Let’s first acknowledge that these “friends’ might not really be a friend. Sometimes the “friend” is actually a coworker seen around the office once or twice, or a high school acquaintance that somehow pops up in the newsfeed occasionally, despite no contact for years. Is there an authentic relationship, or is this a conflict avoidance technique? This idea was pressed to its extreme at the center of a recent Twitter controversy. A queer, Indigenous Arizona State University professor was a well-loved part of the science community on Twitter, often tweeting about being a part of the Hopi tribe, equity in academia for the LGBTQ+ and Indigenous community, and most recently, their battle with COVID-19. The user passed away, and hundreds of their followers shared their sympathies – until realizing that this person was an elaborate hoax (Vice). The account was revealed to be run by MeTooSTEM founder BethAnn McLaughlin, a neuroscientist who has a history of ignoring or intimidating women of color – and may have created this account to regain some credibility for past transgressions (Science). 

Don’t be so quick to judge McLaughlin; inferred interracial friendships are likely more fiction than fact if you ask the data. 75% of white Americans have entirely white social networks, according to a study from 2013 (PRRI). And 92% of white Americans have a spouse or partner who is also white only (Pew Trends). Although at slightly lower rates, communities of color predominantly spend time with people of their community. And that’s partially because relatively few adults feel connected to others that don’t share their racial background (Pew Trends). There are some fascinating insights on multiracial communities, based on what race/ethnicity they identify with, in here that’s worth exploring (Pew Trends). 

Also, I’d argue that if everyone did have a Black friend during these protests, they’d have a more nuanced response. Because interracial relationships – platonic or otherwise – can be fraught with tensions and demand intentional care. And if we’re all doing the work to understand them, we may know better than to deflect with a dismissive statement. Yseult Polfliet and Hannah Pechter, cofounders of The Kinswomen podcast, which covers topics on race and relationships, agree that talking about race is crucial for boundaries and trust (The Cut).

“

It’s not genuine, because you don’t want to look at the big elephant in the room — because it is a big elephant in the room. You can’t ignore it. We have these questions brought up in our conversations, where people say, ‘It’s weird. I’ve been friends with someone for years, and we’ve never talked about this.’ And it’s like, maybe you have to be the person who initiates that conversation.

Yseult Polfliet, cofounder of The Kinswomen Podcast, for The Cut

This point was emphasized in an excerpt from BIG FRIENDSHIP: How We Keep Each Other Close co-written by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman. In both cases, you can see how damaging it can be if interracial friends aren’t talking about racism until something unavoidable happens, like a global pandemic or nationwide protests. 

Studies indicate that interracial friendships decline as kids enter adolescence, which is heavily influenced by the school they go to (The Atlantic). Further research shows that some students of color may befriend white students “as they begin to internalize the higher value their teachers place on the white students,” which shifts friendships from a space of social engagement to social survival (New Republic). Teachers that emphasize the value of all students and focus on creating diverse groups for students to socialize in can help reduce this trend. But it can’t be solely up to teachers; parents, too, can encourage and foster healthy relationships (The Atlantic). 

But all hope might not be lost there. While researching for the book The Company We Keep: Interracial Friendships and Romantic Relationships from Adolescence to Adulthood, Yale sociologist Grace Kao found that kids that go to a racially diverse school are more likely to befriend people of another race as an adult, even if they didn’t have interracial relationships during that time (Yale). Unfortunately, as we’ve referenced in previous newsletters on school funding, racial segregation and housing inequality create wide disparities in classrooms’ racial and socioeconomic composition (Anti-Racism Daily).

Where do we go from here?

Having an interracial friend doesn’t make anyone incapable of doing something racist. I’ve watched people I’ve once considered friends do lots of racist things, either directed to me or others, that I’ve had to address. It doesn’t mean things won’t happen again. Also, someone that we consider our friend might not feel the same way, perhaps because we’re unable to support them when it comes to race.

Let’s remember that our proximity to people of color does not make us exempt from the system that systemically oppresses them. Let’s consider that we do have an in-depth understanding of interpersonal racism and have a conscious, empathetic friendship. We’re still participating in a broader system where we can perpetuate or dismantle racism interpersonally.

For example, I’m a light-skinned Black woman with dark-skinned Black female friends. Regardless of how strong our friendship, I’m still part of a system that favors light-skinned Black women over dark-skinned Black women (The Guardian). And intentionally or otherwise, my presence and my behaviors can both perpetuate discrimination and harm. Acknowledging it with a flippant statement that "I have dark-skinned friends" minimizes the pain, and may discourage me from leveraging my own privilege and power to take action.

So instead of using the “I have a ____ friend” argument when it comes to race, spend more time honoring and reflecting on what that friendship means to you. Sometimes, listening and learning can bring more value than retort. Instead, let's commit to do our best to protect that friend, colleague, lover or loose connection through our anti-racism actions each and every day.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

  • Playing the friend card is referring to a friend from a marginalized community to act as justification against any racism or discrimination

  • Creating friends to practice performative wokeness is a deflection from the actual work needed

  • Interracial friendships are not nurtured in our society, and rare when analyzing the stats

  • Being in interracial relationships takes communication, trust and boundaries

RELATED ISSUES

PLEDGE YOUR SUPPORT

Thank you for all your financial contributions! If you haven't already, consider making a monthly donation to this work. These funds will help me operationalize this work for greatest impact.

Subscribe on Patreon | Give one-time on PayPal | Venmo @nicoleacardoza

Read More