Don't play the friend card.
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Happy Friday, everyone! Quick note of gratitude for all the thoughtful inquiries and feedback on the content from this week. I'm glad it's resonating with you, and I'm slowly working my way through your responses.
Tomorrow is our weekly Study Hall. I recap the week's content and answer questions from the community. Reply to this email to submit your questions! For today, we're taking a look at playing the friend card, and how it some wield it to bypass the harm they cause. Please don't message me about how you actually do have a Black friend.
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TAKE ACTION
Reflect on your own friend group:
How was it formed?
What are the racial/ethnic identities that form your friend group?
How do you protect your friends from harm?
How do you participate in the system that cause your friends harm?
GET EDUCATED
A common argument in interpersonal conversation around racism is the “Black friend”. Start a conversation about race and someone might respond with something like, “I’m not racist! I have a best friend who’s black!” The trope is so common that in her popular IG live talk show on racism, Ziwe Fumudoh always asks her guests how many Black people they know. But she already knows the answer; most say “four or five,” which must be a socially acceptable number of friends to not be a racist (NYTimes). And it goes beyond “Black” and “friend.” Swap any racial identity (or marginalized community) and relationship in: “dated an Asian guy,” “transgender colleague,” etc. Don’t get me wrong; a statement could hold contextual relevance in some cases. But it’s often used as a way to shield oneself from blame or deflect responsibility from acknowledging harm.
Let’s first acknowledge that these “friends’ might not really be a friend. Sometimes the “friend” is actually a coworker seen around the office once or twice, or a high school acquaintance that somehow pops up in the newsfeed occasionally, despite no contact for years. Is there an authentic relationship, or is this a conflict avoidance technique? This idea was pressed to its extreme at the center of a recent Twitter controversy. A queer, Indigenous Arizona State University professor was a well-loved part of the science community on Twitter, often tweeting about being a part of the Hopi tribe, equity in academia for the LGBTQ+ and Indigenous community, and most recently, their battle with COVID-19. The user passed away, and hundreds of their followers shared their sympathies – until realizing that this person was an elaborate hoax (Vice). The account was revealed to be run by MeTooSTEM founder BethAnn McLaughlin, a neuroscientist who has a history of ignoring or intimidating women of color – and may have created this account to regain some credibility for past transgressions (Science).
Don’t be so quick to judge McLaughlin; inferred interracial friendships are likely more fiction than fact if you ask the data. 75% of white Americans have entirely white social networks, according to a study from 2013 (PRRI). And 92% of white Americans have a spouse or partner who is also white only (Pew Trends). Although at slightly lower rates, communities of color predominantly spend time with people of their community. And that’s partially because relatively few adults feel connected to others that don’t share their racial background (Pew Trends). There are some fascinating insights on multiracial communities, based on what race/ethnicity they identify with, in here that’s worth exploring (Pew Trends).
Also, I’d argue that if everyone did have a Black friend during these protests, they’d have a more nuanced response. Because interracial relationships – platonic or otherwise – can be fraught with tensions and demand intentional care. And if we’re all doing the work to understand them, we may know better than to deflect with a dismissive statement. Yseult Polfliet and Hannah Pechter, cofounders of The Kinswomen podcast, which covers topics on race and relationships, agree that talking about race is crucial for boundaries and trust (The Cut).
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It’s not genuine, because you don’t want to look at the big elephant in the room — because it is a big elephant in the room. You can’t ignore it. We have these questions brought up in our conversations, where people say, ‘It’s weird. I’ve been friends with someone for years, and we’ve never talked about this.’ And it’s like, maybe you have to be the person who initiates that conversation.
Yseult Polfliet, cofounder of The Kinswomen Podcast, for The Cut
This point was emphasized in an excerpt from BIG FRIENDSHIP: How We Keep Each Other Close co-written by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman. In both cases, you can see how damaging it can be if interracial friends aren’t talking about racism until something unavoidable happens, like a global pandemic or nationwide protests.
Studies indicate that interracial friendships decline as kids enter adolescence, which is heavily influenced by the school they go to (The Atlantic). Further research shows that some students of color may befriend white students “as they begin to internalize the higher value their teachers place on the white students,” which shifts friendships from a space of social engagement to social survival (New Republic). Teachers that emphasize the value of all students and focus on creating diverse groups for students to socialize in can help reduce this trend. But it can’t be solely up to teachers; parents, too, can encourage and foster healthy relationships (The Atlantic).
But all hope might not be lost there. While researching for the book The Company We Keep: Interracial Friendships and Romantic Relationships from Adolescence to Adulthood, Yale sociologist Grace Kao found that kids that go to a racially diverse school are more likely to befriend people of another race as an adult, even if they didn’t have interracial relationships during that time (Yale). Unfortunately, as we’ve referenced in previous newsletters on school funding, racial segregation and housing inequality create wide disparities in classrooms’ racial and socioeconomic composition (Anti-Racism Daily).
Where do we go from here?
Having an interracial friend doesn’t make anyone incapable of doing something racist. I’ve watched people I’ve once considered friends do lots of racist things, either directed to me or others, that I’ve had to address. It doesn’t mean things won’t happen again. Also, someone that we consider our friend might not feel the same way, perhaps because we’re unable to support them when it comes to race.
Let’s remember that our proximity to people of color does not make us exempt from the system that systemically oppresses them. Let’s consider that we do have an in-depth understanding of interpersonal racism and have a conscious, empathetic friendship. We’re still participating in a broader system where we can perpetuate or dismantle racism interpersonally.
For example, I’m a light-skinned Black woman with dark-skinned Black female friends. Regardless of how strong our friendship, I’m still part of a system that favors light-skinned Black women over dark-skinned Black women (The Guardian). And intentionally or otherwise, my presence and my behaviors can both perpetuate discrimination and harm. Acknowledging it with a flippant statement that "I have dark-skinned friends" minimizes the pain, and may discourage me from leveraging my own privilege and power to take action.
So instead of using the “I have a ____ friend” argument when it comes to race, spend more time honoring and reflecting on what that friendship means to you. Sometimes, listening and learning can bring more value than retort. Instead, let's commit to do our best to protect that friend, colleague, lover or loose connection through our anti-racism actions each and every day.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Playing the friend card is referring to a friend from a marginalized community to act as justification against any racism or discrimination
Creating friends to practice performative wokeness is a deflection from the actual work needed
Interracial friendships are not nurtured in our society, and rare when analyzing the stats
Being in interracial relationships takes communication, trust and boundaries
RELATED ISSUES
7/14/2020 | Embrace your race privilege.
7/10/2020 | Understand the role of cancel culture.
7/9/2020 | Acknowledge the harm of microaggressions.
7/7/2020 | Honor the biracial / multiracial experience.
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